7 Years Ago
 |
| Me & Mum |
Today marks the 7th year of my mother's death. I want you to know I'm not writing this to gain your sympathy or to be all poor little ol' me. I'm writing this because I want to and because I used to do special things on this day to remember her, but I don't do that anymore. I want to start marking this day again, whether its in a blog post or doing something special because remembering this day gives me a sense of growth and reminds me never to forget how important she was.
Ideally I'd like to go sit by the sea today. We had scattered her ashes at sea two years ago at Porthcawl beach in Wales which was one of her favourite beaches. I think it reminded her of the family holidays we used to take to Great Yarmouth when my sister and I were younger. She was one for crappy sea side town holidays.
When I was younger my mother and I would talk about death, she was very open with me about it as it's apart of life. She told me how she wanted to be scattered at sea so that she will be with us wherever we are and so she could go travelling to all the places she never got to see when she was alive. Living in Oxfordshire I don't have the option to visit the sea - ah mum! Your plan was spoiled! All jokes aside I'm glad shes scattered at sea. The sea is full of life and she's apart of that.
I've had many people tell me how proud she would be of me and although I know it is meant well, to be brutality honest it brings me little to no comfort. Frankly its just shit and no one knows how she'd feel about me if she was actually here. She used to tell me she didn't care what I did with my life as long as I was happy, so I hope she is proud of me for wanting to better myself and my future.
I've given five years of my life to studying art, I went to college and university in Oxfordshire. In fact I studied at the same art college my mother did, I suppose being there made me feel a sense of connection to her. Thinking about connections, over the last year I've ran into a lot of people who knew my mother, I feel like I give out a sense of her with my curly hair. I get people stopping me asking if I am Annie's daughter, me not knowing who these people are or how they would be connected to her I'd look at them bewildered. It surprises me that people knew her because after a death life moves on and it feels like everyone forgets about her.
I'm never going to be able to shake her death. I can't just dry it off or stick a plaster over it to forget, hoping it will heal. I'll take this loss through me in life and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous of seeing mothers and their daughters shopping together or going out for lunch. Sometimes it really hits me hard and sometimes makes me so angry that they get their mother and I don't. To be clear I'm not angry at people with mothers, I'm just angry at life for taking mine away and reminding me of my loss. Don't get me wrong my mother and I would go shopping together. She was terrible at picking clothes for me, I felt like she didn't understand me at all but what I wouldn't give for that time back. She would also take me out for lunch when she took me out of school for dentist appointments. We would go to the appointment, mosey around the shops and then settle at a french style cafe. These were the times I truly felt all of her attention was on me. I felt like a second thought a lot of the time. I'm the middle child of three and my mother was a childminder, there was always other people around who needed her attention as well. It wasn't always that way and I knew she loved me, so I can forgive her for giving her time away.
It's cloudy today but the sun is trying to shine through. I'll remember this day and what it means, probably watch some of her favourites movies like Bridget Jones (I first watched Bridget Jones with her, another small moment we spent together just the two of us) or The Holiday, but tomorrow I will get up, get dressed and carry on.
Anne Patricia Chare Stevens
February 18th 1975 - August 4th 2011
Vx
