ANTIDEPRESSANTS - MY EXPERIENCE
I've been putting off posting this blog post because I'm anxious about what kind of feedback I will receive. My main goal with this post is to help someone and to help clear the stigma of antidepressants, I hope I do that justice. Antidepressants have helped me and I want to talk about my experience. Everyone's depression and anxiety come from different things and what works for one person might not work for another.
I advise you to listen and respect someone else's experience when they open up to you about their struggles and their antidepressants/ treatment. They put themselves in a valuable place and they're brave for opening up.
Being Diagnosed & Getting my Prescription
By the time I went to my doctor I had tried 4 different counsellors. I'm not going to go into counsellors in this post but I might write about it in the future. Long story short the counselling was not providing a long term solution for me and I was becoming more and more depressed. I did not care what happened to me, I did not care if I went to sleep and never woke up again.
I felt literally like my body was made out of sandbags, it was physical effort to move. I did barely to non of my uni work or house work as everything felt so exhausting and confusing. When I was in a social situation I felt like I wasn't really there as if I was looking through a thick sheet of glass.
My doctor and myself spoke about what had happened in my life and what my family history was like. She came to the conclusion that my depression is a mixture of genetics and traumatic events.
As I had tried counselling which hadn't worked out for me I agreed to give antidepressants a go. There are so many different kinds, I am on Sertraline and you can take a dosage from (I think) 10mg to 200mg. (Antidepressants do not work in the same way for everyone, it is important to speak to your doctor if you feel something is not right or if you aren't noticing any difference in yourself).
My doctor then explained to me that she felt I needed to be on them of a minimum of a year. I felt really upset and scared by this, most people are on them for roughly 4-6 months.
She also offered me counselling on the NHS as a treatment of antidepressants and counselling at the same time has a more beneficial long term effect. I did start NHS counselling treatment but that is another blog post in itself.
Taking Steraline & Side Effects
I started off on 50mg dosage as my doctor wanted to work me up to 100mg without shocking my body. I don't remember much when I started on 50mg apart from that I had a small constant headache which went away after a week, I slept more (deeply) and that I sweated more..
As I moved onto 100mg I got the headache (again this went away after a week) and the sweating. The sweating mostly happened at night and I would wake up feeling wet and gross, it wasn't much fun. I am glad headaches and sweating are/ were my only side effects of taking them. A lot of people experience weight gain and low libido, which in all honesty were the side effects I was afraid of getting. For me, feeling more myself than feeling like I didn't want to live is worth the side effects.
About a week and a half of taking 100mg dosage I noticed a massive difference. I no longer had anger fits, my body no longer felt like it was made of sandbags and I didn't have to work myself up to get something done. I remember I would spend about three hours lying on the sofa fighting with myself just to put a load of washing on, but now I just do it. I felt like a switch had been flipped.
One evening I turned to my boyfriend at the time and asked him if he had noticed any difference in me, and he looked at me as if I was crazy. He said that of course he has! He told me how it was as if someone had switched on my personality, as before it was like someone was home but the lights were off, as if I was always there but I just couldn't show yourself.
I really began to enjoy life, became a lot more social, got stuff done and actually took pride in my uni work.
Spanner In The Works
I was having a blast, I was focused and my uni work was coming along well. I had wonderful weekends away with my boyfriend at the time and I was soaking up every little joy I could find around me. That was until my boyfriend broke up with me about a month and a half into taking my antidepressants (100mg). I was completely shocked and broken because in my eyes everything was going perfectly and I finally felt happy.
It was a very hard time for me and for a little while it stayed pretty crappy, but I did not fall back into the place where I felt like I didn't want to live. I just got on with things despite my emotions. I feel that had a not been on my antidepressants I wouldn't of been able to handle the break up and I would have quickly slipped back into not caring if I lived or died.
Cold Turkey - Withdrawal Symptoms
I had ran out of pills and just deiced not to get anymore. I felt okay and I didn't like the idea that I was mentally unwell, and that I had to take medication. I thought to myself ''why do I have to take these? All my friends don't have to take them and they're doing great!'' but they (as far as I'm aware) don't have depression.
After a few days of not taking my antidepressants I started feeling overwhelmed and extremely anxious. I got an upset stomach, felt dizzy, tired and sick. I began to get low again and everything felt heavy. For a little while I didn't connect the dots that actually this was my body reacting to not having my pills. It showed me how fragile I can become by not taking a little pill and how much they help me.
I learnt my lesson to A. Take my pills and B. When I do finally deiced to come off them I will go to my doctor and we will wing me off them.
Once I got back into taking them I didn't get the same feeling as I did when I first took them. Firstly I wasn't easing myself into them like I did before, I was taking 100mg. Plus I didn't have the ''wonderful'' relationship I had when I started taking them in the first place. For some people they find that antidepressants make them emotionless (a potential side effect) but for me they give me a neutral line.
Now | 100mg of Sertraline
I don't mind being on antidepressants now, for me this is a normal thing and I'm pretty open about telling people about it.
I know right now is not a good time for me to come off them and I don't think I will any time soon. There are a lot of things outside of my body that are going on that effect my mind, and until these things are sorted I can think about coming off them. I still get down, some days I get really low but I still manage to get up and do things. My pills make everything feel a little bit easier.
I can tell that when I get low there is normally a reason for it and the same for when I feel happy, I can normally point out a reason to why my mood changes, where as before I could not explain to why I felt the way I did.
I do however get some mean comments when I tell people I am on them. Some people generally do not like them because they have not worked for them and that is completely fine but I get people who haven't been on them telling me that they don't like them and that it is a fake happiness. It's not a fake happiness, I just couldn't feel happy because the chemicals in my brain were messed up. Now because of my antidepressants the chemicals in my brain are correct and I can feel happy but I can also feel sad. If you need antidepressants to get out of bed, to brush your teeth, put clothes on, do your day to day chores, to feel like life is something worth staying for then do not listen to people who don't agree with them. If they work for you (your treatment works for you) and you need them, you keep doing what you know is best for you.
I advise you to listen and respect someone else's experience when they open up to you about their struggles and their antidepressants/ treatment. They put themselves in a valuable place and they're brave for opening up.
Being Diagnosed & Getting my Prescription
By the time I went to my doctor I had tried 4 different counsellors. I'm not going to go into counsellors in this post but I might write about it in the future. Long story short the counselling was not providing a long term solution for me and I was becoming more and more depressed. I did not care what happened to me, I did not care if I went to sleep and never woke up again.
I felt literally like my body was made out of sandbags, it was physical effort to move. I did barely to non of my uni work or house work as everything felt so exhausting and confusing. When I was in a social situation I felt like I wasn't really there as if I was looking through a thick sheet of glass.
My doctor and myself spoke about what had happened in my life and what my family history was like. She came to the conclusion that my depression is a mixture of genetics and traumatic events.
As I had tried counselling which hadn't worked out for me I agreed to give antidepressants a go. There are so many different kinds, I am on Sertraline and you can take a dosage from (I think) 10mg to 200mg. (Antidepressants do not work in the same way for everyone, it is important to speak to your doctor if you feel something is not right or if you aren't noticing any difference in yourself).
My doctor then explained to me that she felt I needed to be on them of a minimum of a year. I felt really upset and scared by this, most people are on them for roughly 4-6 months.
She also offered me counselling on the NHS as a treatment of antidepressants and counselling at the same time has a more beneficial long term effect. I did start NHS counselling treatment but that is another blog post in itself.
Taking Steraline & Side Effects
I started off on 50mg dosage as my doctor wanted to work me up to 100mg without shocking my body. I don't remember much when I started on 50mg apart from that I had a small constant headache which went away after a week, I slept more (deeply) and that I sweated more..
As I moved onto 100mg I got the headache (again this went away after a week) and the sweating. The sweating mostly happened at night and I would wake up feeling wet and gross, it wasn't much fun. I am glad headaches and sweating are/ were my only side effects of taking them. A lot of people experience weight gain and low libido, which in all honesty were the side effects I was afraid of getting. For me, feeling more myself than feeling like I didn't want to live is worth the side effects.
About a week and a half of taking 100mg dosage I noticed a massive difference. I no longer had anger fits, my body no longer felt like it was made of sandbags and I didn't have to work myself up to get something done. I remember I would spend about three hours lying on the sofa fighting with myself just to put a load of washing on, but now I just do it. I felt like a switch had been flipped.
One evening I turned to my boyfriend at the time and asked him if he had noticed any difference in me, and he looked at me as if I was crazy. He said that of course he has! He told me how it was as if someone had switched on my personality, as before it was like someone was home but the lights were off, as if I was always there but I just couldn't show yourself.
I really began to enjoy life, became a lot more social, got stuff done and actually took pride in my uni work.
Spanner In The Works
I was having a blast, I was focused and my uni work was coming along well. I had wonderful weekends away with my boyfriend at the time and I was soaking up every little joy I could find around me. That was until my boyfriend broke up with me about a month and a half into taking my antidepressants (100mg). I was completely shocked and broken because in my eyes everything was going perfectly and I finally felt happy.
It was a very hard time for me and for a little while it stayed pretty crappy, but I did not fall back into the place where I felt like I didn't want to live. I just got on with things despite my emotions. I feel that had a not been on my antidepressants I wouldn't of been able to handle the break up and I would have quickly slipped back into not caring if I lived or died.
Cold Turkey - Withdrawal Symptoms
I had ran out of pills and just deiced not to get anymore. I felt okay and I didn't like the idea that I was mentally unwell, and that I had to take medication. I thought to myself ''why do I have to take these? All my friends don't have to take them and they're doing great!'' but they (as far as I'm aware) don't have depression.
After a few days of not taking my antidepressants I started feeling overwhelmed and extremely anxious. I got an upset stomach, felt dizzy, tired and sick. I began to get low again and everything felt heavy. For a little while I didn't connect the dots that actually this was my body reacting to not having my pills. It showed me how fragile I can become by not taking a little pill and how much they help me.
I learnt my lesson to A. Take my pills and B. When I do finally deiced to come off them I will go to my doctor and we will wing me off them.
Once I got back into taking them I didn't get the same feeling as I did when I first took them. Firstly I wasn't easing myself into them like I did before, I was taking 100mg. Plus I didn't have the ''wonderful'' relationship I had when I started taking them in the first place. For some people they find that antidepressants make them emotionless (a potential side effect) but for me they give me a neutral line.
Now | 100mg of Sertraline
I don't mind being on antidepressants now, for me this is a normal thing and I'm pretty open about telling people about it.
I know right now is not a good time for me to come off them and I don't think I will any time soon. There are a lot of things outside of my body that are going on that effect my mind, and until these things are sorted I can think about coming off them. I still get down, some days I get really low but I still manage to get up and do things. My pills make everything feel a little bit easier.
I can tell that when I get low there is normally a reason for it and the same for when I feel happy, I can normally point out a reason to why my mood changes, where as before I could not explain to why I felt the way I did.
I do however get some mean comments when I tell people I am on them. Some people generally do not like them because they have not worked for them and that is completely fine but I get people who haven't been on them telling me that they don't like them and that it is a fake happiness. It's not a fake happiness, I just couldn't feel happy because the chemicals in my brain were messed up. Now because of my antidepressants the chemicals in my brain are correct and I can feel happy but I can also feel sad. If you need antidepressants to get out of bed, to brush your teeth, put clothes on, do your day to day chores, to feel like life is something worth staying for then do not listen to people who don't agree with them. If they work for you (your treatment works for you) and you need them, you keep doing what you know is best for you.
I hope this has helped you.
Vx
